All's well!

I am doing well, mostly on track...I had a birthday last week, which meant pieces of cake that I am now working off, but my mind is still right, though VERY BUSY WITH WORK AND STUFF, and I am still on track! Hope everyone's great! I will be back to my daily postings tomorrow! K.

Well it is my birthday! It's my birthdaaaaaayyyy!!!!!

April 22nd! i love this day. I honestly think it is just about the best looking and sounding day anyone could come up with..I honestly do. Wonder if everybody feels the same about their birthdays? lol. Anywho, I woke up well today, in very good spirits, ready to bask in my own day. I thank God for seeing me through to this day. I thank Him for journeying with me and blessing me so abundantly. I surrender the past and all that is to come to HIm. He knows my heart's desires and fears, I trust His plan will favor me.
On this day I came to be, my thoughts are never far from the woman who made it all possible: my mum. I miss her so much today. It's just not the same without her. I realize 33 years ago this was the happiest day of her life.
This is indeed the day that inextricaly brought us together, and she always rushed to wish me a happy one before everyone else. I thank God for all of her.
I have a full day ahead of me, and I've decided to relax about my diet a bit today in celebration of me. I won't go crazy or anything, but will let loose a bit, hoping the scale will be understanding? yes? ;-(. Lol. Then it is right back on track tomorrow. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!
K.

I miss my mum

It is midnight where I am. I was just on the phone with my 'potential' boyfriend and I broke down while talking about my upcoming birthday, this Thursday April 22nd...the mere thought of yet another birthday without my mum did me in. This mother loss thing is HARD, tears can start rolling at a moment's notice, with one fleeting thought or memory...I miss my mum tonite, and I am sad she won't be here to celebrate my 33rd birthday.
K.

Hectic!!!

It's been a hectic couple of days. Between work, Mum's project and what now seems like a burgeoning relationship, I've helas, neglected to update ya'll on my progress, lol. Thursday, Friday and Saturday of this week have simply been extremely busy. That just about sums it up. I managed to mostly stay on track though.I ate well but skipped a lot of meals...I just didn't have the time or the appetite for food, which is mind boggling to me as I am not much of a light eater, but I suppose it's ok. At least I didn't resort to food to cope with the stress I was dealing with. My workouts did suffer from my busy schedule...I didn't workout in 3 days. I must organize my time, better, so I can give time to my priorities. If it means going to bed at a set time, so I can be up at a set time to work out, then that's what I have to do. I will adjust my goals for this week accordingly when I review my list later today. In the meantime, I am off to a social event I can't quite skip. Back later!
K.

Update on the guy

I ended up letting him come over to meet in person for the first time yesterday. It went well. Really well. He came, we both saw each other and we both conquered...I conquered my fears. He still liked me very much. Weight is not an issue for him. WOW is about all I can say right. Thanks for encouraging me to take this chance guys.
K.

Good morning to my health

I've been thinking that I need to shift my schedule around to better fit my workouts in. Look at my day, I am only now wrapping up my it at almost 11pm and I am exhausted! Had to squeeze my workout in around 8pm... I need to figure out how to get back to my old time love...morning workouts! They were truly greatly for me, allowed me to better plan my days, helped me stay on track and eat healthy all day. Not to mention I was full of energy, relaxed, happy, in control! Working out in the evening is ok, but it's subject to too many temptations...like Oh I've had a rough day why don't I skip my workout? Or Oh well, got caught in a long meeting, guess I won't make it to the gym today. I want to lessen the chance of coming up with such lame excuses but getting my workout out of the way as soon as I wake. That is my priority, so it should be dealt with first right?
I'll see how I can slowly move towards that cause I do not want to overwhelm myself with too many changes at once. Gotta pace myself and ease back into it. One change at a time...
I am going to turn in, signing off with a reminder of why early morning exercise is sooo good! K.

Benefits of working out in the morning

. Morning Exercisers Stick With It

Studies have shown that people who exercise in the morning, or being a morning exercise routine, are more likely to still be exercising one year later, when compared to those who exercise at other times of the day.

2. Morning Exercisers Have More Energy

Although you may have to drag yourself out of bed in the morning, the energy you create by exercising in the morning will sustain you through the day. You will have more energy to go to work, take care of the kids, or do whatever it is you do all day.

You also have more energy to exercise in the morning, than after a long day of work or childcare.

3. Morning Exercisers Sleep Better

Exercising in the morning will help you sleep better at night. By getting up earlier, you will go to sleep earlier, hopefully finding your natural sleep cycle. Working out in the evening hours can create an adrenalin rush that may be hard to come down from and get some sleep.

4. Morning Exercisers Eat Better

A psychological and nutritional benefit that comes with morning exercise is a day of eating better. When wake up early to exercise, and spend an hour or more actually exercising before doing anything else, you willapproach eating with a different mentality than if you exercise in the evening.

It is easier to avoid temptation and talk yourself out of eating unhealthily when you spend your waking hours sweating away the pounds. The fact that you got up and did something healthy andpositive for you body will keep you from indulging or making the wrong food choices.

5. Morning Exercisers Are in a Better Mood

Another added benefit of a morning work out is enjoying the positive mood you have created. You will be proud of yourself for getting up an exercising. You will feel clear and calm by exercising in the morning.

Stressed out today!

I've had a long and stress-filled day. Right now, I just want to rest my mind up & fall asleep. I feel so overwhelmed by all the responsibilities that befall me since my mum's passing. I am finishing up a major project of hers, one that I love but that is way too demanding in terms of coordination, time, energy, and patience. I have been giving it just that for the past 6 months, which means that I spend a lot of time away from my own work and that makes me super nervous. I have not been the best employee since my mum passed cause I am just spread into too many directions, left on my own to manage LOTS. I worry about the possible consequences on my career. I pray God understands and protects me from any potential downfall. I hope to be done in a month or 2 MAX so I can get back to my work and life, fast.
I must say that I love this project she left me to finish, it is a wonderful gift I'll talk about more in depth in a future post. I simply wish I didn't have the constraint of having to report to work, that way I could devote all my time to it.
Anyway as far as my day went, said project took me all day, which I hadn't planned. So I was caught without lunch-but I adjusted to the circumstances and didn't give in to the temptation of grabbing a sandwich or any other type of fast food though I considered it for a hot minute. Then I reminded myself that this moment is precisely when you need to deny yourself and chose the healthy option. So I went looking for and found a place that serves grilled steak and salads, which is what I ended up having. I am glad I stayed on track and put my goal first in that moment. I had to however give myself a rest day from exercise because it would have been complicated to fit in...thought in hindsight I see where I could have worked it in...At the time though,I think I did the best I could, simply deciding that too many unplanned activities had surfaced, and that I could simply give myself a rest day instead of beating myself up over not being able to workout...I live and learn, things won't always be perfect on this journey, but I can always do the best I can with the circumstances I am dealt with.
K.

Sore, but good day

Woke up very sore today...had the hardest time getting out of bed and getting my day going. Once I did, it ended up being a nice one...got a good walk in, 30 mins, burned 322 cals on that very track where people were staring at me last week! Yep I went back for more, only this time I wore a much longer and loser shirt so my shape was not outlined for all to see...am willing to make whatever adjustments are necessary but one thing's remaining a constant: I am going to keep at it right there on the walking trail. Spoke to the guy I mentioned on my previous post and opened up about my fear in a very light way...he took it fine, though I am not sure he realized the extent of the weight issue...oh wells I am not going to rack my brains over this...I will keep speaking to him and will eventually see him when I feel comfortable enough i.e, when I feel like I've prepared him enough, lol! For now I enjoy the fact that he is good company, good listener, very uplifting kind of guy. Works for me, lol. Until tomorrow, I am really really tired today.
K.

A peek at my doubting, fear filled reality

2 posts in one day! I must be inspired!
I am actually faced with a dilemma that sadly reflects my current reality. A friend of mine introduced me to this great looking, friendly guy about 2 months ago. We've been e-mailing and talking to each other and he sounds like a nice, cool guy. He's been calling repeatedly for 3 days cause he wants us to physically meet...logical next step, after all we currently live in the same city, 15 mins away from each other and I am 32, very single, very much looking forward to meeting a nice guy, and this guy sounds like a good one. So why do I make him call for 3 days without actually meeting him? Well for the same reason I did this with another guy, another very promising bachelor, at the beginning of this year. Because, I feel like I do not stand a snow ball's chance in hell of these guys taking a look at me and still wanting to date me. I believe ! am just too morbidly obese at this point in time to even think these type of guys will want me, let alone dare to actually go meet them like there is a chance, pffff. What would be the point except to be faced with confirmation that I am unattractive and be rejected? It's not like these guys can fall for me with the way I look? It is not going to happen and it is a sad state of affairs, because I do want companionship and I know I am a great looking girl underneath these layers of fat and I have so much to offer... but I've convinced myself that no one can possibly want all 300 lb. of me right now and that very belief is stopping me from stepping out and giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. I've already defeated myself in my own mind and I can't bring myself to get past this barrier. I fully realize that I might be missing out on opportunities of a lifetime, and that I am letting opportunities and bits of my life slip by, but I just can't muster up the strength and courage to take such a bold chance. So now my question is, do I honor how I feel and truthfully tell him what I am grappling with? Do I open up and trust him with this intimate detail about my life or do I start ignoring his calls until he believes I've disappeared off the face of the earth?
K.

Staying encouraged

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." -John Bingham

I love this quote, as do many people and I believe it's key operative word is COURAGE. Courage is what beginning a weight loss, or any other healing journey, is about for me. The key challenge is to be and stay encouraged at the beginning. Case in point: at present I am faced with the daunting goal of losing 125 lb., which I know first hand will require complete dedication on my part for at least a year and a half so... lots of focus, sacrifice, discipline, consistency and belief are in store for me. How does one stay encouraged when catching a single glimpse of yourself provides you with visual confirmation of just how far gone you are and just how much work lies ahead? How do you stay mentally strong, emotionally steady, spiritually sound over a long enough period of time to start making a dent into that huge a goal? That's been the true challenge for me, especially at the onset of my weight loss journeys. However, life is so well ordained that this time around, I can benefit from my recent experience of losing my mother, as well as previous successful weight loss journey which give me valuable insight into what is required. Because I've been down and somehow managed to talk and act myself out of despair; because I've been able to come out of that and somewhat recover, I know that one has to be able to pace herself and solely focus on one day and one moment at a time. The goal is to wake up everyday and decide to keep healing for that day and then pose one small healing action after the other, take one good decision after the other, 'til one reaches a critical mass of time after which other mundane and external things can take over as motivator, like better physical shape, fitting into better looking clothes, stamina and just feeling better about yourself, your life and the space you occupy in this world. I am glad I have been here before, and gone through various degrees of pain and recovery because I now know without the shadow of a doubt that I can feel bad and recover and that it starts with a decision to keep encouraging myself, one moment, one hour, one day at a time.
K.

What I tell myself is so important!

Weight loss is a lot about just talking yourself into and out of things you do or do not want to do.

From a A perfect vision of myself blog.

I read this sentence yesterday on one of the wonderful weight loss blogs out there, and it rang so very true to me. Having been through this journey before, I know for a fact that weight loss is a lot about negotiating, prodding, encouraging, convincing yourself to make daily choices that support and lead to your desired result. It's about changing your internal dialogue, to repeatedly tell yourself that you are indeed worth the better, healthier choice. That you can in fact take that walk even tough you've had a rough day, that you can resist temptations that come your way, that you deserve every bit of effort and that will indeed be successful in the end. It is no small task as it requires a virtual rewiring of mental patterns and serious change of habits. But it is such a worthy one, because over time, you start believing in your new internal discourse and in yourself. You become more reliable and faithful to yourself. You grow stronger, you have a better hold of yourself and you become your own best friend, ready and able to face anything that comes your way. I should know, I was there 18 months ago and I can't wait to get back!
K.

My body remembers!

Muscle memory can best be described as a type of movement with which muscles become familiar over time. This is extremely important in different types of sports. The more often you do a certain activity, the more likely you are to do it as needed, when needed because your body already knows how to do it and remembers it.

After my past two workout sessions, I think the above might be very very true. I spent 34 rather intense minutes on the elliptical this evening, and walked for 55 mins yesterday, something I thought impossible at the beginning of this week. Last Tuesday I struggled to complete my 18 mins walk, mostly because I've had virtually no exercise in 16 months, but also because it is hard to carry all this weight. As the week's gone by though, I am finding out that I can actually get a decent workout in, although at a much slower pace. I am happy to see that I still have stamina, my muscles do not overly burn, my heart is holding its own, AND I am beginning to see changes in my mood and mental disposition---just like old times, feeling the effects of the endorphins and starting to believe that Yes Indeed, I can!
This is absolutely priceless to me, I could cry of gratitude right now. I still have a loooonng way to go, and the road will surely be paved with numerous challenges but I am grateful my body's so faithful as to cooperate with me despite all the abuse and neglect I've put it through. I am grateful it understands...
K.

Nothing to fear but fear itself!

I am very seriously grappling with unjustified, constant fear, particularly as it relates to my work environment. What am I afraid of you might ask? Rejection, disapproval, reprimand, incompetency, you name it I am concerned about it to the point of being paralyzed. Where I am supposed to take a simple action in my favor, I twist, fear, over think, refrain, delay up to the very last minute and to the point of getting myself in trouble. I've always lacked professional confidence, but it's now reaching unparalleled heights. Is this due to my weight gain? to losing my rock? to a need to self sabotage? I don't know, I truly have no idea what's going on. But You know what? I am going to give it time and attention ASAP, cause I do not want to be hostage to it any longer. I want peace of mind and the satisfaction of know that I am a responsible, reliable, productive member of society. I am blessed to have the job that I have, though it is not one that I have passion for. I must still find a way of respecting and valuing it, while I dig deeper to unveil my real passion in life. Let's start by figuring out what this fear is all about...I am glad I acknowledged it. K.

Pushing through mental barriers, one day at a time.

Today was a big old test of just how serious I am about getting my stuff together. I woke up feeling a bit tight and sore, which is to be expected as I am finally moving my body. Off to work I went but there I spent the better part of the day feeling lightheaded and just not well. So what familiar tricks did my mind immediately resort to? Don't do any work, don't write that all important letter on which so many important decisions are resting, go home for lunch, knowing fully well that I would most certainly end up staying in bed if I did that, and the kicker was of course, don't work out! Why should you anyway, as big as you are? All kinds of defeating thoughts that went through my mind but which I am glad to report I prevailed against. I stuck to my guns, asked for help so someone would at least know I was on the brink...and I got the letter done, and I got the workout done! YAY me. I set out to complete my 30 mins treck but ended up walking for 55 whole minutes! an accidental workout, but a victory in and of itself. I reached the point where I was to stop but my pick up wasn't there so I had a choice between hailing a cab and getting home or going for the healthier option of continuing to walk, which I very proudly did despite the stares at my gigantic butt and uncomfortable reactions. They got cause to stare cause I must be carrying about 70 darn extra pounds in my butt and hips alone, I kid you not! Still they could have ignored me and let me be since I am at least doing something about it. sigh. Anywho, I took notice but refused to let it get to me so I kept marching on. People will simply have to get used to my gigantic butt because I am not stopping now, I am not hiding and I am not denying myself this precious 'reconnecting with myself time either'. So there! Chipping away at mental barriers, one day at a time, and loving it too!
K.

Couple of truths and my pledge.

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins. Bob Noawad

With that as an inspiration, I am laying out my truth right here: Truth is:

1. I lost my mother. It stunned and devastated me and sent me in a tailspin. She is gone, I’ve accepted it, but it doesn’t give me license to check out of my life and neglect it any longer. I can’t go on using that event to stay stuck and regress.

2. I’ve been in mourning and focused on my mum’s estate for the past 16 months. I’ve figured nowhere on the priority list and have neglected all areas of my life. So I’ve got a lot of piecing back to do.

3. Most urgently, I need to give attention to my weight. I am 32, and I weigh 300 lbs for a height of 5’8. So I am morbidly obese (taking a breath on that!) At this rate, I am just asking for all kinds of misery.

4. My main issue is that I am a MAJOR emotional eater. I am not however a food addict.

5. I tackled this issue back in 2006 and was quite successful at it, so I know it can be done. I know exactly what it takes. It took 16 months to gain it all back +. Never thought that possible. Goes to show nothing is ever granted in life. Especially not weight loss, it really takes a lifetime commitment.

6. I am sick of having reverted to the fat girl mentality where I don’t socialize, am overly nice or indulgent to make up for my looks, I look for the lazy way out in all that I do to avoid the pain of exerting my body, I have no good looking clothes to wear.

7. I do not like my image at all and I am a tad embarrassed to look this way.

8. I want to honor the gifts of a perfect body and good health that have been given me by doing everything in my power to honor my temple.

9. I want to live free of any limitations brought on by extra weight. I want to know true joy. I want to feel confident and powerful. I want to be me and to be free to do what ever I set my mind on.

"The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them."

My pledge:

1. I have decided to come out of my dark whole and lose 125 lbs. There I’ve said it! That is my goal. Realistically, this should take me some 18 months to accomplish.

2. To get there, I commit to:
3. Daily, challenging, exercise. For now I have to stay patient and work slowly because I am very out of shape. I will slowly inch towards an hour-long workout everyday. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I will get the workout done. That is a non negotiable.

4. I will eat a balanced and healthy diet. Cutting out all processed, fattening, sugar coated food for now. I'm making lifestyle changes by eliminating soda and eating healthier smaller portions. I will eat to sustain my body but not to numb it or mask emotions. I will stop eating when I am full and I will only eat when hungry.

5. I will drink up to 100 oz of water everyday. Slowly working my way up to this point.
6. I'm going to learn to become my friend again. I will cheer lead myself and remain positive. I won't beat myself up for failures but will celebrate my victories. I will remember that change doesn't happen overnight and that I am working on nothing short of a metamorphosis, which requires focus, commitment, consistency, patience, strength and faith in me, in my life and in my God.

7. I'm going to bathe this effort in prayer. Beware the temptation of self-initiated plans is a quote I strongly believe in. So I surrender to God and ask him to equip and help me accomplish this task.

8. I venture into this journey with a hopeful heart, willing feet and prayer to God.

What's required

"Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full on metamorphosis."Martha Beck.

As is often the case in life, you receive just the message you need to hear, right when you need to hear it. True to this, I received this quote from an mailing list I belong to. I know that's what's required here and I am grateful to be reminded, just when I need it. K.

First workout in God knows how long

And all I can say is boy am I out of shape! I have a mighty long way to go but at least I know that it can be done. Baby steps & Consistency will get me there. But WOW, I was in pain 7 mins into my walk and labored my way through an 18 mins total walk. That's the time it took me to get to where my car was parked. I managed to burn some 175 calories in that time with an average heart rate of 139. It's a start....
The ocean view I walked by, was divine but I was too self conscious to take it in. In time I will...Right now I am just glad I acknowledged where I am & got started to get where I want to be!

It is time.

I went through the most devastating event of my life, the sudden passing of my mother at the end of 2008. Life has not been the same since that day, and will never be the same-My mother was all I knew and had in life, her loss devastated me and sent me spiraling out of control. Sixteen months later, I find myself @ rock bottom in most areas of my life-I am at my heaviest weight EVER, (300 lb.), I have neglected my work and professional relationships, I've shunned most people out of my life, and I am unhappy and anxious about EVERYTHING that lies ahead of me. The damage is extensive just as the loss and pain were extensive. Sixteen months later though, I think it is time I regroup and emerge from this dark hole I am in. I want to gently but surely nurse myself into a new sense of balance, into a reconstructed reality filled with health, joy, love, faith, power, harmony and serenity. I look forward to blogging about my journey.

K.