I am finally beginning to sense it again...

I've said it times & times again on this blog the past (almost) 2 years have been THE utmost trying in my life. I went from being an in control, going places, beautiful 31 years old to facing my worst fear(the sudden passing of my beloved mother) and subsequently spiraling out of control, finding comfort in food and eating everything under the sun, walking around stunned, raw, grief stricken, with no center, my only purpose being to fulfill my mum's obligations and doing things I felt would do her proud...things i hoped God would approve of and would in turn honor and reward my mum. I figured nowhere on the list of what or who mattered. My relationships were dicy, measured by how much of a support was given to me during my grief, etc. I did some great great things under pressure but in the end i found myself in an utter mess. I've gained at least 100 lbs, have tested most personal and professional relationships, felt isolated and miserable and in need of drastic change. I so desperately knew that I needed to change in major ways, but I just didn't care enough to take any step towards this change. I had checked out of my life, given up and couln't muster any sense of hope, courage, or care for myself. It's been desperation galore, wondering how, when and If i'd ever get it together. If i'd ever feel in control and on purpose. I have so many gifts, yet I was choosing to just drown them all in fat and pain...Then this week, I began sensing things again, I felt that peaceful, inner trust in life, God, myself. I stopped being afraid, I began coming out of the stupor I've been in. I began thinking, yes I have lots of work ahead of me, but I can totally do it. One day at a time. I can, and I will begin caring for me. I will choose not to be afraid and reclaim my life, one step at a time. So for the first time in ages, I went to the hairdresser, got my hair done, I went grocery shopping for the first time in close to 2 years...I had been eating out all the time i've been in the US. I bought a scale(DAUNTING). I know I was 290 lbs some time back in April. Let's just say I've not held back in the 6 months since. So I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed 320lbs or something. I will weigh on Monday and just face the truth. I'll report back on here, but as small as these steps are, I think they r great beginnings. I will plan my food for the week tomorrow, will have it ready and will embark on my journey back to me. I know it'll be great!
K.