Perfect House

"You've been provided with a perfect body to house your soul for a few brief moments in eternity. So regardless of its size, shape, color, or any imagined infirmities, you can honor the temple that houses you by eating healthfully, exercising, listening to your body's needs, and treating it with dignity and love." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Good day

Hello there bloggies! Hope everyone's well. Will keep it short today cause you know I'm all sore and everything from working out ;) and taking care of myself :)so won't be too long. All's still going well, I had a pleasant and active day which started with my weigh in ( down 1.6 lbs, of water probably but I still love it) followed by my morning workout. food was very much on point all day and I was less sore than yesterday. I even have a little pep in my step, fueled by joy and the possibility of what is to come...Now if I could only discipline myself enough to go to bed on time, things would be perfect! K.

That Liar!

Not sure what just happened but a minute ago I wrote this long day 2 update and now I can't find it. Odd. the gist of what I was saying in it is as follows:

1. I survived day one of detox and conditioning for the road ahead, despite hunger pangs and a spliting headache. that told me I have to plan my meals better, the goal being to nourish myself well, not deprive my body. So I packed a fuller, yet very healthy lunch and snacks for today.

2. I still did not manage to sleep by 10. I was in bed by then but was engrossed in a mystery movie that only ended at 11:15, so that is when I fell asleep. Got to get a better handle on that sleeping time.

3. Woke up relatively on time, after 8+ hours of sleep, and faced the scale. I weigh everyday because it helps me understand my body better. It's made me recognize then I ovulate (sorry male readers), when I've had too much sodium, when I am retaining water cause of white rice ingestion, etc. So I weighed again today hoping to see a drop in weight due to water retention, etc. And much to my suprise, that liar of a scale showed me a 6.2 lbs increase in weight! Can believe it? so clearly I wasn't 299.4 lbs yesterday, the darn thing tricked me-either that-or the universe was trying to help a sister out by not letting her see that she was over 300 lbs on day one! Either way I am still way beyond the 320 lbs I thought I'd see yesterday, and it is fine. Really.

4. got my workout in. I ran into my former trainer and other familiar faces at the gym. No biggie. Got the job done at a slightly faster pace than yesterday at that, and then bounced out of there!

5. Having a splendid day so far, though a bit sore from 2 days of exercising a 300+ body, but I like it. I am taking steps in the right direction, and I will not stop.

Kave a wonderful day everyone.
K.

Day 1-Detox and conditioning

So here's the tale of my first day back on track: I went to bed kinda late last night(11:15 instead of my goal of 10:00 pm)buthad my gym clothes all laid out so was ready for the gym shortly after my alarm rang. It felt so good and familiar, putting my workout clothes on after weighing myself. This was my morning routine for over 2 years you know? so felt like deja vu, deja done all over again-Got a little surprise at weigh in: You know from my previous post that I was totally expecting to see something close to 320 lbs, but I weighed in at 299.4!!! Just shy of 300 lbs! YAY, lol. 300+ could have done my head in...Back in april, I weighed in at 300.74 lbs, and did not hold back in food consumption since then so totally thought I had put on even more weight, but it seems I maitained, YAY again. Means less damage to undo.
Off to the gym I went on that high note. There were only about 4-5 people in there, unfamiliar faces. I was immediately at ease. Hoped on my tready and walked comfortably for 20 minutes, at a slow/regular pace of 2.5 mph. Right now my goal is just to get back into the habit of daily exercise, not trying to meet a particular pace, burn a number of calories or any of that sort of thing. It'll be 20 mins a day, however I can handle, for the rest of this week.
As I was working out, 2 other workout freaks from my former incarnation walked in and greeted me warmly, they were thrilled to see me back, and I was candid about having to start all over again. They were supportive, non judgemental, and one of them said the best thing: You know how to do this! And I sure do. It is amazing how just having decided to take back the reign of my life and health positively affects my whole outlook and attitude already. I feel so wonderful. I wish I could bottle up this feeling for use on those hard days that are sure to come! But I also know how to handle those!.
K.

Phewwwww

Just went thru a mini victory: beating a serious craving for a very calorific exotic meal.I realize that I missed this feeling of being in control and saying a gentle no to myself, for the benefit of my long term goal. I know it takes one small no, one small step at a time, overtime...
Now on to tackling this bit of fear & shame I carry about having let myself gain back sooo much weight and having to walk back into the gym I was once a daily fixture at...my former fellow regulars will discover just what I have been up to all this time...there'll be stares & whispers maybe, then again maybe not, after all everyone has their own sh*t to deal with. It's all in my mind. I need to stay focused on myself and what I am trying to accomplish and not worry about others. Just do it. Period.
K.

I am finally beginning to sense it again...

I've said it times & times again on this blog the past (almost) 2 years have been THE utmost trying in my life. I went from being an in control, going places, beautiful 31 years old to facing my worst fear(the sudden passing of my beloved mother) and subsequently spiraling out of control, finding comfort in food and eating everything under the sun, walking around stunned, raw, grief stricken, with no center, my only purpose being to fulfill my mum's obligations and doing things I felt would do her proud...things i hoped God would approve of and would in turn honor and reward my mum. I figured nowhere on the list of what or who mattered. My relationships were dicy, measured by how much of a support was given to me during my grief, etc. I did some great great things under pressure but in the end i found myself in an utter mess. I've gained at least 100 lbs, have tested most personal and professional relationships, felt isolated and miserable and in need of drastic change. I so desperately knew that I needed to change in major ways, but I just didn't care enough to take any step towards this change. I had checked out of my life, given up and couln't muster any sense of hope, courage, or care for myself. It's been desperation galore, wondering how, when and If i'd ever get it together. If i'd ever feel in control and on purpose. I have so many gifts, yet I was choosing to just drown them all in fat and pain...Then this week, I began sensing things again, I felt that peaceful, inner trust in life, God, myself. I stopped being afraid, I began coming out of the stupor I've been in. I began thinking, yes I have lots of work ahead of me, but I can totally do it. One day at a time. I can, and I will begin caring for me. I will choose not to be afraid and reclaim my life, one step at a time. So for the first time in ages, I went to the hairdresser, got my hair done, I went grocery shopping for the first time in close to 2 years...I had been eating out all the time i've been in the US. I bought a scale(DAUNTING). I know I was 290 lbs some time back in April. Let's just say I've not held back in the 6 months since. So I wouldn't be surprised if I weighed 320lbs or something. I will weigh on Monday and just face the truth. I'll report back on here, but as small as these steps are, I think they r great beginnings. I will plan my food for the week tomorrow, will have it ready and will embark on my journey back to me. I know it'll be great!
K.

I am an emotional eater

And it's been the most emotional 22 months of my life. I am stuck in this emotional stupor I found myself since mum collapsed and died.
I am struggling to come out and find a new normal. It seems like something in me has just gone unconscious and won't fully awaken to my new reality and to the fact that I am eating myself to misery. Where and how do I begin healing? How do I reconnect with myself? How do I put myself first and care for me? How do I get to the decision to commit to myself and to weight loss? I am struggling

I am losing my mind

Consumed with thoughts of my weight and how to begin tackling it, yet again! I just can't seem to take that decision and make the commitment.